A New Year

It feels to me like everyone is cautiously poking at 2021 compared to the roaring rampage in which many jumped into 2020 with. Similar to having watched a scary movie and then creeping around trying to avoid the now noticeably scary sounds. Looking over your shoulder at every turn, and peering around the corner.

Of course the first anniversaries of diagnosis have been challenging. Being around the holidays was a hard time to go through everything. Of course initially thinking that

at least next year we will be ‘back to normal’

Jokes on us amiright?

In all honesty I have been doing my best to reflect on the past year – learning lessons and growing as a person sort of deal. I can truly say that there are some things about the world standing still that I will try to move forward with. That’s for another post since I am still working through some thoughts.

This post is a tribute to my Gus puppy. Today is his birthday. This day last year we discovered that he didn’t have diabetes like I had thought. No, he had an aggressive cancer that was ravaging his body. My beautiful, loyal, goofy, wonderful soul pup was very sick and there was nothing I could do about it.

So I cried. A lot. I had planned our days him and I while I was going through treatment. We were going to go for walks, do what we could for the day and just enjoy spending time together. After all he was my Gus pup that absolutely adored being with his people. The next nine days he was with us we made the best of it. He came everywhere with us whenever possible. He ate all the yummy food he wanted (and he honestly didn’t want much). We talked to the vet and decided he would be at home with us when it was time.

We still talk about Gus if not daily, for sure weekly. I am so grateful for the memories that people share with us, and the support we have had. Various items have been made and given to us as gifts and we absolutely cannot express how amazing the support is.

Grieving is a strange and unique experience. No two people will go through it the exact same. It’s hard to know what people want and how they will need to process everything. What I do know is that grief for me comes in waves; almost like there are pockets of time where it seems like he is just out of reach. I am transported back to the raw sorrow and heartache of discovering his mass. There are other times when the grief and heartache are farther away. People say that it gets better with time. I’m sure I need more time, but I think that may be a bit of a farce. I think the pockets of grief are always there, but maybe there is just more blankets and artifacts that cover it away from our heart.

Our first set of family photos was done without our Gus in December (my fabulous friend Rachel with Wollf Prints did mini sessions and they are AMAZING!). We couldn’t not have our pup there so we brought his blue blanket with us. No dog will come close to the place he has in my heart.