This post is a tribute to my Gus puppy. Today is his birthday. This day last year we discovered that he didn't have diabetes like I had thought. No, he had an aggressive cancer that was ravaging his body. My beautiful, loyal, goofy, wonderful soul pup was very sick and there was nothing I could do about it.
Turning Back Time
Turning back time is something we can do in writing. Let's hop in a time machine and look at December 23, 2019...
Be a Little Selfish
I do NOT have time for this. I am raising small children, working, being a (good?) wife, and living life. I need to organize, schedule, clean, cook, drive, manage, pay bills, and do all the things every. single. day. I don't have time for cancer! You know what? CANCER DOESN'T CARE
What I Really Want to Say (But Can’t Always)
All of this process has me thinking of so many things. It's so challenging to be real and truthful about the entire journey because a large chunk of what makes me, me, is just the 'getting it done-ness'. Things need doing? I do them. People need help? I help them. Someone needs support or a listening ear? I am that person... It is so challenging to now feel inadequate and weak and to accept help from family and friends as a "doer".
Waiting, Waiting, WAITING
Being scared, worried or even down right petrified makes it hard to think. Focusing becomes challenging. Remembering things that you used to be able to remember with ease suddenly becomes a significant test.
Working on Acceptance
It comes in waves. The loathing, disgust, and desperation for what was. This absolutely was the best decision - to have a double mastectomy - for a number of reasons for me. BUT. That doesn't mean it's not hard mentally and emotionally.
Time to cut these traitors off
Comparison is the Thief of Connection
So many people have been afraid of what to say, or not say, what to do, or not do, or that I am not interested in their problems.