I’m on a Boat…

In the middle of the ocean… without a paddle.

This feeling of being lost isn’t unfamiliar. It is akin to the feeling I had bringing my daughter home from the hospital; “Really? You’re just going to let me leave with her? But I haven’t done any of this before!”

Life this year has been a ride – water rapids on a rollercoaster through fire sort of ride. At first it seemed like there were too many people on the boat. You can’t quite remember who all is there and what they do but they are all super important. Onco, breast surgeon, radiation onco, nurses, chemo, gynecologist… They feel like buoys to help keep the boat balanced and safe.

One by one they have been peeling off. Chemo, check. Surgery, check. No radiation needed (yay for clear margins and lymphnodes!) oopherectomy was finished up last Friday.

I saw my oncologist yesterday and we are essentially done.

No more scans. No more tests. No more blood work.

I will be following up with her via phone in 6 months. Then a year, and after that just with the family doc again. My consult for reconstruction is on Friday, but otherwise I just continue with my daily medication (Anastrozole) for the next 10 years and I only touch base with my oncologist if I have any symptoms.

My last buoy has been peeled away, and I feel like I didn’t get a paddle.

Being breast cancer awareness month it is quite the time to wrap up. The stats for metastatic cancer on recurrence is disheartening, having the history of my grandmother developing metastatic cancer after being ‘clear’ as well is making me feel like the boat is in the middle of the ocean and there are sharks and kraken just below the surface.

I have been in fight/flight survival mode for so long, it feels impossible to take a truly relieving breath.

Now to find the new normal

I know that life will continue on. It didn’t stop with diagnosis either. It will take a while to find my footing. Knowing I will always sort of be looking over my shoulder will get easier.

This feels like a really disappointing ending to a thriller/suspense story. “and then, the culprit came out of the woods, and it was…. just a bunny rabbit”

Thank you to everyone who has been here for us. My journey isn’t over but I am glad to be sitting in calmer, unfamiliar waters now.

To donate for my fundraising for breast cancer awareness CLICK HERE