Last years memories of the holiday festivities are weighing heavy on my heart. My emotional state being a mix of feeling like someone has scrubbed everything on an old-fashioned washboard, and wrung me out; combined with the frantic frenzy of "I'M FINE, IT'S FINE"
Life this year has been a ride - water rapids on a rollercoaster through fire sort of ride. At first it seemed like there were too many people on the boat. You can't quite remember who all is there and what they do but they are all super important. Onco, breast surgeon, radiation onco, nurses, chemo, gynecologist... They feel like buoys to help keep the boat balanced and safe.
I do NOT have time for this. I am raising small children, working, being a (good?) wife, and living life. I need to organize, schedule, clean, cook, drive, manage, pay bills, and do all the things every. single. day. I don't have time for cancer! You know what? CANCER DOESN'T CARE
All of this process has me thinking of so many things. It's so challenging to be real and truthful about the entire journey because a large chunk of what makes me, me, is just the 'getting it done-ness'. Things need doing? I do them. People need help? I help them. Someone needs support or a listening ear? I am that person... It is so challenging to now feel inadequate and weak and to accept help from family and friends as a "doer".
"DOES IT BOTHER YOU THAT PEOPLE AREN'T FOLLOWING THE RULES?" In short my answer is no. It truly doesn't. The long answer is a little more complicated...
What I think many people and providers forget is the impact that the diagnosis, treatment and procedures have on my little people. Em is 6 and D is 3.
Being scared, worried or even down right petrified makes it hard to think. Focusing becomes challenging. Remembering things that you used to be able to remember with ease suddenly becomes a significant test.
That weekend was hard. I went through the ultrasound report, looked up some of the things I didn't know... Given the information that I had it would be 3B - advanced stage cancer.
So many people have been afraid of what to say, or not say, what to do, or not do, or that I am not interested in their problems.
I am a recovering perfectionist... I am striving to be unapologetically myself through the life-altering experience that is cancer diagnosis and treatment...