Life this year has been a ride - water rapids on a rollercoaster through fire sort of ride. At first it seemed like there were too many people on the boat. You can't quite remember who all is there and what they do but they are all super important. Onco, breast surgeon, radiation onco, nurses, chemo, gynecologist... They feel like buoys to help keep the boat balanced and safe.
I do NOT have time for this. I am raising small children, working, being a (good?) wife, and living life. I need to organize, schedule, clean, cook, drive, manage, pay bills, and do all the things every. single. day. I don't have time for cancer! You know what? CANCER DOESN'T CARE
I am angry. Inexplicably angry that I don't get to choose the end point. That it is effectively chosen for me. This. THIS is what enrages me most. And yet, rage nor anger are the right descriptors. It's devastation: severe or overwhelming shock or grief
All of this process has me thinking of so many things. It's so challenging to be real and truthful about the entire journey because a large chunk of what makes me, me, is just the 'getting it done-ness'. Things need doing? I do them. People need help? I help them. Someone needs support or a listening ear? I am that person... It is so challenging to now feel inadequate and weak and to accept help from family and friends as a "doer".
"DOES IT BOTHER YOU THAT PEOPLE AREN'T FOLLOWING THE RULES?" In short my answer is no. It truly doesn't. The long answer is a little more complicated...