Last years memories of the holiday festivities are weighing heavy on my heart. My emotional state being a mix of feeling like someone has scrubbed everything on an old-fashioned washboard, and wrung me out; combined with the frantic frenzy of "I'M FINE, IT'S FINE"
Life this year has been a ride - water rapids on a rollercoaster through fire sort of ride. At first it seemed like there were too many people on the boat. You can't quite remember who all is there and what they do but they are all super important. Onco, breast surgeon, radiation onco, nurses, chemo, gynecologist... They feel like buoys to help keep the boat balanced and safe.
I have had a swack of appointments in the last couple of weeks along with a very exciting - yet nerve wracking - surprise phone call.
Being scared, worried or even down right petrified makes it hard to think. Focusing becomes challenging. Remembering things that you used to be able to remember with ease suddenly becomes a significant test.
It comes in waves. The loathing, disgust, and desperation for what was. This absolutely was the best decision - to have a double mastectomy - for a number of reasons for me. BUT. That doesn't mean it's not hard mentally and emotionally.
I can feel the skin with my fingertips, but I can't feel the fingertips on my skin. Bonus, the pain goes away when I do that.