Turning back time is something we can do in writing. Let's hop in a time machine and look at December 23, 2019...
Being breast cancer awareness month I am acutely aware of some of the interesting things that we say to 'raise awareness'. For me I find most (not all) of these things funny, but do they really raise awareness? "Save second base!" "MANogram - place breasts here"
I have had a swack of appointments in the last couple of weeks along with a very exciting - yet nerve wracking - surprise phone call.
I do NOT have time for this. I am raising small children, working, being a (good?) wife, and living life. I need to organize, schedule, clean, cook, drive, manage, pay bills, and do all the things every. single. day. I don't have time for cancer! You know what? CANCER DOESN'T CARE
I am angry. Inexplicably angry that I don't get to choose the end point. That it is effectively chosen for me. This. THIS is what enrages me most. And yet, rage nor anger are the right descriptors. It's devastation: severe or overwhelming shock or grief
This past four weeks has felt simultaneously like a slow-moving snail and has gone by in a flash. This continues to be my experience throughout the journey. The moments when you are in them seem to drag on forever and then looking back has finished in a blink.
That weekend was hard. I went through the ultrasound report, looked up some of the things I didn't know... Given the information that I had it would be 3B - advanced stage cancer.
I can feel the skin with my fingertips, but I can't feel the fingertips on my skin. Bonus, the pain goes away when I do that.
Time to cut these traitors off
I began paying closer attention but of course had my own excuses and reasons for the discomfort... I had zero external signs (invisible lump)