I do NOT have time for this. I am raising small children, working, being a (good?) wife, and living life. I need to organize, schedule, clean, cook, drive, manage, pay bills, and do all the things every. single. day. I don't have time for cancer! You know what? CANCER DOESN'T CARE
I am angry. Inexplicably angry that I don't get to choose the end point. That it is effectively chosen for me. This. THIS is what enrages me most. And yet, rage nor anger are the right descriptors. It's devastation: severe or overwhelming shock or grief
All of this process has me thinking of so many things. It's so challenging to be real and truthful about the entire journey because a large chunk of what makes me, me, is just the 'getting it done-ness'. Things need doing? I do them. People need help? I help them. Someone needs support or a listening ear? I am that person... It is so challenging to now feel inadequate and weak and to accept help from family and friends as a "doer".
"DOES IT BOTHER YOU THAT PEOPLE AREN'T FOLLOWING THE RULES?" In short my answer is no. It truly doesn't. The long answer is a little more complicated...
What I think many people and providers forget is the impact that the diagnosis, treatment and procedures have on my little people. Em is 6 and D is 3.
This past four weeks has felt simultaneously like a slow-moving snail and has gone by in a flash. This continues to be my experience throughout the journey. The moments when you are in them seem to drag on forever and then looking back has finished in a blink.
Being scared, worried or even down right petrified makes it hard to think. Focusing becomes challenging. Remembering things that you used to be able to remember with ease suddenly becomes a significant test.
That weekend was hard. I went through the ultrasound report, looked up some of the things I didn't know... Given the information that I had it would be 3B - advanced stage cancer.
It comes in waves. The loathing, disgust, and desperation for what was. This absolutely was the best decision - to have a double mastectomy - for a number of reasons for me. BUT. That doesn't mean it's not hard mentally and emotionally.
I can feel the skin with my fingertips, but I can't feel the fingertips on my skin. Bonus, the pain goes away when I do that.